Stuck in my Crawl
by JosieEvans44
Summary: A series of comical entries made by a very bored and dramatic Lily. Dear Journal,...Potter is being the same insufferable prat, Black is on my case again, Remus is bloody infuriating with his damn scruffy good looks and Peter is just there... Ch.15!
1. Life is as boring as you make it

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

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**Entry Number One:** Life is as boring as you make it... so it's really boring.

September 9th 1978

8:05 pm- dorm room

Dear Journal,

Could my life get any worst? This is only the beginning of my fifth year and already I'm counting the days till summer vacation. Potter is being the same insufferable prat, Black is on my case again, Remus is bloody infuriating with his damn scruffy good looks and Peter is just... well, there. Alice is flashing her enormous breast at everyone, I mean she's just screaming: "look! I grew 10 sizes what's considered normal during the holidays!", and boys are practically drooling at her feet. She was honestly flat as a board before the summer vacations and now she looks like she about to topple over. If she wasn't my friend, I'd swear they were fake.

And me? Well I'm just the same abnormally tall girl with strange hair whom doesn't seem to fit in anywhere she goes. Of course I am over dramatic half the time, it's what I do, I'm a teenager. I'm supposed to obsess over strange things like _witch weekly_ magazines even thought I hate them.

Honestly, portraying woman and telling them what they should look like and think, is just wrong and the reason why chauvinist perverted pigs exist.

My sister doesn't help matters. She was acting like the same stuck up bitch with a stick up where the sun don't shine, as when I last saw her. I told her she shouldn't hang around with those stuck up rich people at her privet school, but no! She had to be popular and accepted. She would have honestly done anything to join their click, including change who she is.

My parents just ignore me, their to busy with their jobs to even notice I'm there during the holidays. They actually forgot my birthday this year! I mean what kind of parents forget their kid's birthday?

We live in this huge flashy house, it honestly looks like we live on Hollywood boulevard or something. Servants and breakfast in bed is common there. I'm not complaining, but I hate having someone touch my things, even if it's because they're putting them away. Back in my first year, Potter and I had used to play:_ I have something better than you_. A game where we would compare our material possessions. I've always been beneath all that, but Potter infuriated me so that I couldn't help it. He's always flashing his expensive new brooms in my face, while I still have to use an old model because my parents don't want me playing quidditch, saying stupid things like girls aren't supposed to play sports. But like I always like to say, it's not the model, it's the ridder that makes all the difference and I prove so every time we have a match. I can fly enough laps around Potter to make him blush. Sure he's a good chaser, but I'm better, ok so maybe I'm a little full of myself, but hey I'm aloud and have reason to be.

I hate my teachers, they're all so bloody infuriating. We just got back and already I've got a pile higher than my head, and that's a pretty big pile seeing that I'm 5'9 while most girls in my class are still 5'4. I have to look down at them whenever I'm talking to them. I fell so superior!

My life is just so..._boring_! Nothing exciting ever happens. No thrilling adventures or wild parties with excessive drinking, nothing... but homework, which I never do. I like making lists though and revelations. Revelations are fun because I often get them.

Definition of revelation: an idea; inspiration; thought; clairvoyance or a dream. (This definition was brought to you by the National Definition Centre of England...nah, no such thing...I think! Don't sue!)

**Reasons why I like making lists:**

5-They're creative and help pass the long boring hours of my imprisoned life.

4-It's a spur of the moment thing; I'll look back on them later and think: "What the hell? Was I on drugs or something? How the bloody hell did I come up with that? Quick, someone call the nearest detoxicating centre!"

3-It looks like I have a lot more going in my life; like I actually wrote more.

2-They're fun, ok! You have a problem with that? Huh!You want to take this out side punk? Huh! Huh!

1-Why do you even care? Or for that matter why do I? I'm not sick, but I'm not well. So, you know, just check the bloody reasons above.

Well, I've got homework to ignore, so good night.

Later,

Lily Evans

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**End of Entry One**

A/N: hum, a lot more different than my other stories, but I relatively like this one. Hope you do to, so if you want more, leave a review or I'll go evil on your ass and I won't post, buah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Review! (Flammers aren't accepted!)


	2. Life? What life?

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

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**Entry Number Two:** Life? What life? 

September 10th 1978

2:10 pm- History of Boredom classroom

Dear Journal,

I hate to admit it, but I actually like history. Today is an exception to that; we're learning about the Goblin mayors of the 15th century and it's frankly quite boring. So I'm writing in my journal, but you already know I have no life, so it's all good.

Revelation: I just realised something, I don't have a life, but I always have something to write. I don't understand myself. Just thinking about myself gives me a headache.

**My life's plan:**

Get a job. (money )

after graduation buy aeroplane ticket.

bring only things you need.

Rent a car.

Once in Rome, go searching for an apartment. (hopefully with roommates, cheaper!)

Learn exchange currency and exchange money.

Find multiple jobs.

Live there for maybe six months.

Then visit Europe.

When I settle down (which I never will) buy furniture or have it sent.

There you have it, my life!

* * *

This is only the second day of the term and already I'm loaded with homework. I'm honestly starting to think that I won't be able to pass my 5th year. Have I mentioned how much I hate Athritmacy and Potions? Well I do. I loathe my Potions' teacher! He's honestly loading us with so much homework that I can't even function; and as usual, I'm to lazy to do any of it. It's almost as if he thinks that he's the only teacher in the school. I know, I sound like such a spoiled brat and all...but it's so boring. Anyway, enough of my angry, non-sense whining about all of the injustices in this f-ing wold and onto more interesting matters, or matters that can be as interesting as a ball of string... 

I can't believe her! My best-est friend in the whole world, Alice, actually just dissd the best band in the _world_, whom I incidentally practically worship. She actually dissd one of the best band to come out of England,_ Led Zeppelin_. I mean, I know how pathetic the human race is, (can you blame us? We only use 10 of our brain!) But I mean, to stoop so low as to not be proud of our musical protegees? I seriously don't know if I'll be able to get over this.

Well, it's official, Potter is the biggest ass on the planet. He always has to stuff his big head where it doesn't belong, like into my conversations. "Ya, you're a nerd. A nerd that doesn't get good grades." What! He then preceded to ask me what I had got in Potions last year, when I had objected to his insufferable comments. Turns out he beat me with 3 measly points and he suddenly thinks he's better than me, do you believe him? The nerves!

**Top 10 reasons why Potter is an ass:**

10-He's an ass, plain and simple.

9-He's always up in your face and that can get really annoying, trust me, you never want to be stuck looking at his face for more than five minutes or you might have a heart attack.

8-He's full of himself; you can honestly see his head halfway across the world. At first people actually thought it was the end of the world, the apocalypse, and then realised it was only Potter's head blocking the sun.

7-He's the biggest jock since...well, actually I don't think there has ever been a bigger jock than him.

6- He's an ass. I know I've said this before, but I just want to drill it in you head to make sure you know. Kinda like subliminal messages, you know?

5-I hate him. (Hey, that's a good reason!)

4-He's always picking on my hair. Seriously, never pick on a girl's hair, she'll want to strangle you and slowly watch you suffocate and then die. (A piece of advise for all you guys out there! It doesn't come cheap, so take advantage of it, while I'm giving it away freely- my advice that is.)

3-He annoys me to hell and back. I mean who does he think he is? He's got that messy unruly hair and those stupid glasses and he's way to tall for nothing and he looks like a total nerd! He actually listens to his parents. A big no-no in the whole: _Big Book of Teenage Rules_. in a zombie-ish tone: "You have to obey the book...good book, I like the book. Don't you?"

2-He laughs and picks on other people. Honestly, who thinks it's funny to laugh at other people's expense? Ok, I'll admit it, everyone does, but he's just too over the top with his stupid pranks.

1-And finally but definitely not least: he's an ass. Not much more to him. He's like a one dimensional square. That defines him perfectly actually.

Well this was Lily with your rant of the week, complaint central, house to the infamous 1-800-complaint ligne (Um, that's a joke, not really a telephone number, or at least I hope; if it is...don't sue! Unless you want my crappy broom, my muggle comic books and old records...which I seriously doubt.)

Godspeed,

Lily Evans

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A/N: Don't worry this story will amount to something in near future. Just gotta get those boring first chapters out of the way. 

Incidentally, I have to say this, Robert Plant is coming out with a new cd early may, YA! I can't wait. I'm going bloody insane waiting for it. Robert Plant is the man! The best bloody singer out there!

Thanks:

Brighton Baby: sputters an amazing writer? Wow thank you so much! You totally made my day. Ya I also like that it isn't like other stories. I like to be contradictory lol! I hope you liked this chapter. (Feel free to check out my other stories, Raspberry Sugar Quills, is an other of mine, and I promise that it is quite different than the other stories loL!)

QuieroTuAmor: Ya, I made you laugh lol! I haven't done a humourous fic in a while, been kinda stuck on the angst/romances, I'm glade you liked it. Isn't she so mellow and totally melodramatic at the same time lol? She kinda like me. Especially the dramatic part.

akai chou: I continued lol! I'm glade you can relate, I particularraly like the detoxacation thing myself lol, it totally came out of nowhere. I hope you liked this chapter.

daichi: Well, I have to say that I appreciate the time you took to write a review. Most people would just completely ignore it and go to something else. Unless your someone who likes to criticize other people's work lol. Which I hardly deem the case. I hope you like this chapter better and like I mentioned above, it will amount to something, I just have to get the boring explanatory first chapters. That said, I appreciate your review and I hope you continue with this story, I would like to hear your input.

Shang Warrior Pheonix: As usual, a treat to see you name (which I love). I'm glade you liked it and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. And I updated as humanly possible lol!

Enjoy!

Josie


	3. Confessions of an evil monkey

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

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**Entry Number Three:** Confessions of an evil monkey!

September 13th 1978

1:10 pm- Library

Dear Journal,

I was 'sick' yesterday and I sadly missed the History of Boredom exam, I was soooo devastated, no really, I was. So I'm here in the library with some other girl who wasn't there and I'm in some kinda booth and I have to write this exam. Well I'm finished, and it's only been 45 minutes.

**Dirt:** Confessions of...well, me.

I cheated. I know, I know bad me. I never cheated on anything in my life, but I didn't really study nor take notes on that stupid: Goblin mayors of the 15th century, lesson. Opps, my bad. So I'm occupying myself for the next hour until I find it's safe for me to leave. I got bored counting the minutes left so I decided to pick up my journal and fill in the interludes of my wearisome and monotonous life. (Yes, that's how bored I am, I'm actually taking the time to write down big words! I'm being sarcastic you bloody dolt!)

My mother would have the biggest hissy fit in the history of hissy fits (and trust me, there are some pretty big and yet interesting one, thrown over nothing, but this one would surpasses it- no joke) if she ever found out, which is why I plan to never tell her. Also I think (and hope it isn't) a sin. I didn't have any choice, besides you can't change the past, no matter how hard you try (which in it's self can be quite exhausting. If ever your in a class and the Marauders are experimenting with time turners, be sure to be as far as possible unless you'd rather be almost burned at a witch trail).

40 more minutes and I'm a free man...or woman...or girl...or what ever! I could care less.

There's this really cute guy that I have my eye on as we speak. He always wears these pale blue sunglasses. Wonder if they're prescription. Maybe he's only wearing them to make a statement, or to stand out like that kid who dyed his hair green (actually I'm not sure if he meant to do that. I did see Sirius studying hair charms the other day. Wonder what the kid did to piss him off. Anything that'll make Sirius go to the library is worth my congratulating- note to self.)

Potter commentated on my hair again. I will seriously kill that guy while he sleeps. At least he wasn't laughing at my crappy colour this time, only the way it bounced when I walked. Ah well, you know what they say: 'That which doesn't kill you...only makes you want to be swallowed whole by the earth's core, where, once encompassed by hundreds of layers of earth, you will slowly die.'

**Revelation:** guys think of intercourse (wanna keep this PG-13ish, why I couldn't tell you, but I strangely enough like that word- intercourse) every four minutes in a day. That's approximately 360 times in a day. Whenever they put their hands in their pockets or play with their belts, they're thinking about intercourse. (Interesting little fact that I recently learnt, incidentally heard it from Sirius.)

A word of advice: don't ever let my imagination roll free, you might regret it, I swear! I mean look, out of nowhere I start writing about intercourse and how much I like the word, can you say: she's bloody off her rockers! Because I can.

Might as well do a top ten, I still have ten minutes left. This is more punishment than anything (the waiting that is).

**Top ten reasons why vanilla cake is better than chocolate cake.**

**10-**Because no matter how good chocolate is, it was never made to be turned into a cake flavour.

**9- **It's simple as cake (oh a pun! I think?)

**8-** Vanilla is so much better than chocolate and don't even try and deny it.

**7-** Milly Venilly,

Sat in a tree.

She had a broken knee,

But she was always happy.

'Why?' you might ask, while sipping your tea,

Because she carried may keys.

And that's reason number seven,

Because somewhere in the world it's eleven,

Why vanilla cake,

Is always better than chocolate cake.

**6-** I could give a f**_-...-_** ladies and gentleman, we are experimenting technical difficulties, please stay tunned to this regularly programmed broadcasting station, the problems will be shortly lived**_-...-_**and that's why he only uses chocolate cake to throw at people.

**5-** Three _sickles_ for chocolate cake mix. Two _sickles_ and five _knuts_ for chocolate icing. Five _sickles_ for chocolate sprinkles. Vanilla cake garnished with vanilla icing and sprinkles? Priceless. For everything else, there's blissful ignorance. (And for your chocolate cake with chocolate icing and sprinkles, there's always Potter.)

**4- **If you're dating a guy who prefers chocolate cake, you get to stuff your face in the vanilla cake. More for you, think about it, it's the best of both worlds. You get the whole vanilla cake to yourself _and_ the guy.

**3-** Vanilla beans...or cocoa beans?

**2-** Butterflies taste with their feet. You, with your mouth, think of how lucky you are and mourn for the poor little butterflies.

**1-** Vanilla cake just tastes better, so ha! There is no arguing it now is there? No, because I'm writing and no one can stop me, I'm indestructible! I'VE GOT IMMUNITY! Bu-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Thank God and all other beings possessing supernatural powers! It's finally safe for me to leave, which is good because I was running out of things to say (gasp! That's a joke, the day I run out of things to say, is the day the earth will end. Thankfully the next apocalypse is predicted- by this hoot of a girl Trelawney- to happen 10 thousand years from now. I'll be long dead, unless I decide to do like Walt Disney and get myself chronologically frozen in my basement. Now there's an idea!)

I leave you with these fair words of wisdomy wisdom: On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. So think about that next time you decide to... oh I don't know, shove a pen down your throat! I should send an owl to my mom...

Adios mi amigos,

Lily Evans

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A/N: This was a strange chapter indeed. Thanks to all my reviews, I can honestly say now that people can see my head halfway across the world. Lol! I'm sorry for the delay but I was having more than a many personal dilemmas.

Thanks:

LetMeBreath: Thanks a lot for your review and comment. I like that line too, totally came out of nowhere, like a daisy in spring time, lol! Wait, I don't get it! Lol!

akai chou: Yep, Potter is the king of all asses lol! Thank you for the complement. Led Zeppelin friggen rocks! They're the best band ever, to bad they don't do any more cd's together but what with John dead and all it wouldn't be the same. Thankfully thought, Robert Plant is coming out with an awesome new cd in May! Yah! That said, lol, hope you liked this chapter. I like your name by the way.

QuieroTuAmor: Holla Senorita (can't do the bloody accents lol!) This has nothing to do with the story, but my espanol class is so frikken boring! Well on an other note, glad you liked the top ten, this top ten was totally random, I was planning on doing it on something else. R.S.Q's next chapter should be posted sometime next week, sorry for the long wait, check my Bio for more. Food is important, it's a part of life and I wouldn't want to make you starve for a long review, but you know I like them lol! Hint, hint. By the way, I loved the new chapter to she will be loved, which unfortunetly I haven't had the time to review, but which I printed so that I could read it. It was awesome, keep up the good work! Work, hahaha, Mork!

Brighton Baby: Lol, thanks! My story has a plot, you hear that world! I have a damn plot! Buahahaha, now I may rule the world with my awesome plotiness! Sorry, I'm a little wired. Um, Coffee Crip, makes a nice light snack! CC! Thanks for your review.

Shang Warrior Pheonix: Neither can I, wait for what? Just kidding, here's the chapter, hope you enjoyed it. I know I said this before but awesome name.

Later,

Josie

P.S: By the by, just so you know, in every journal entry, whenever there are brackets, Lily is still talking or writing; just thought I'd make that clear seeing as some people might think they were annoying author's notes stuck in the middle of the text.


	4. Punishments suck!

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

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**Entry Number Four:** Punishments are never fun...no duh! I hadn't got the memo, someone should really warn me about these things!

September 14th 1978

5:00 pm- Dorm room

Dear Journal,

Wow! God does really punish the cheaters. I failed that stupid useless test on: Goblin mayors of the 15th century, with 33! I couldn't believe it. I mean 33 bloody percent! I thought I would go crazy or something. But nah! That would mean my life would actually have to be interesting. Oh! But wait, it get's better.

James bloody freakin' Potter and I have actually become Prefects, that's right you heard me, your not daft and no there isn't an extra large amount of earwax in your ears, I'm actually a prefect...with POTTER! I'm starting to think that combining muggle sweets and wizards are a cause for danger.

**Top five reasons why Dumbledore should stay off the sweets**

**5-**He'll end up killing someone one day with his crazy ideas.

**4-**He might get a sugar high! Think about it: an old Dumbledore, acting like a crazy hormone induced teenager; basically equals disaster for the wizarding community.

**3-**Those god awful lemon sherberts! ( It's a good enough reason! Have you ever been force feed more than five of them!)

**2-**The high concentrated sugar levels might kill him... then were would the school be? In the evil hands of pink bunnies? (AHHH! Run for your lives! They're attacking with their pinkiness and total un-resistible cuteness! And now they're transforming the school into a hideous shade of pink! Oh the humanity!)

**1-**Duh! He doesn't make sense! He's a mad man I tell you, a mad man! Oh ya and those sweet are most likely the reason for my newly appointed prefect duties (alongside _Potter_ mind you!) with no way out!

Apparently the last two prefect (whom we took over) had to be sent to a hospital or something and wouldn't be able to preform their prefectly (am aware it's not a real word, but I frankly don't give a damn right now!) duties and we were presumably the second choice, can you believe it? I thought I would spontaneously combust right there. Would have been rather funny if Potter's head had blown up but he actually took it freakishly maturely and seemed kinda happy about the outcome. If I didn't know any better I'd say he's the one who caused the strange 'incident' of which no one knows more than the strange rumours that have been going around. Bloody infuriating jerk, standing there acting like he's all that and more. Cool, calmed and reserved, acting like a bloody adult! Believe him! The ass! I'm mad beyond words! He ended up making me look like the immature one!

One of the rumours circulating is that they were both having an affair with each other and I quote: "One day, on one of their like secret meetings (she had to be very careful cuz her boyfriend is this super tall wrestler from like Ravenclaw who gets really jealous if she so much as looks at an other guy)so anyways they went into this empty room on like the eighth floor and when they were on the ground snogging like mad, a two headed dragon popped out from beneath a desk and like almost killed them with his claws. Then they ran out of the room where they like fell into a bottomless pit and they like had to fight all these creatures and then they like suddenly found themselves falling through the roof in her boyfriend's room, on his bed were he was doing his like homework and he tried to kill both of them after he like saw his girlfriend's red lipstick smeared everywhere on the guy. All that's left of them now is their bloodied-up-to-a-pulp corps. It's so sad! I never like would have thought something like that would have like happened in our school. Well toddles, I've got a date."

Strange or what? I didn't know we had screwed up Mary-Sues living here. Alana, this strange girl in my Potions class was actually telling this to me and anyone who'd listen, claiming she was the girl's best friend. Apparently our school has a lot of imagination and free time on their hands. Which I don't have; where do they find all this spare time? _Where!_

And now with the stupid prefect duties I won't have time to even hang out with my friends and I'll have to spend most of my time with Potter! Bloody ass!

This day has all gone to hell!

I've got to go mop about my worthless and now doomed life and feel sorry for myself because no one else seems to want to do so.

Lily Evans

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A/n: I know I've been ghostly absent of late, but well, so many excuses I highly doubt you would want to here them. I am though slowly but surely making a comeback, so for all you Raspberry Sugar Quills' fans out there, just be patient with me, it's a comin'! I say end off the week at most. So, what you think of the chapter? Strangely enough I've had this one in my hard drive for a while now and had completely forgotten about it... opps! 


	5. Attack of the brainless clones!

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

**Entry Number Five:** Attack of the brainless clones!

September 14th 1978

8:00 pm- Dorm room **_(two hours later)_**

Dear Journal,

I can't believe Alice! She's turning into a mindless drone with every passing day.

_Whisper:_ _She's turning into one of them!_

By _them_, I mean the stupid witless popular girls who get along on nothing but their looks and do nothing all day but think about themselves. In other words: the always feared _preppies_! She barely talks to me these days!

**Revelation:** I'm losing my best friend!

Well I won't stand for it! No way are they winning her without a fight! Who am I supposed to talk to? We've been best freakin' friends since the first freakin' year! We understand (somewhat) each other and never care about what other people think. We used to laugh at those mindless idiots who appear to have their mirrors permanently glued to their hands!

**Top five reasons why I don't want to lose Alice as a friend**

**5-**She's always there to hear me complain about _everything_, even Potter, whom I complain about every three seconds due to his extremely infuriating nature!

**4-**Who am I going to sit with during lunch? It's bad enough people are always making fun of me because of my totally freakishly height and red hair, but I'm not a bloody outcast and I refuse to become one!

**3-**She's like a sister to me; bloody infuriating, always there, but you love the shit out of her.

**2-**Hello? Does outcast mean anything to you? Bloody wankers!

**1-**I don't want to end up having to talk to myself, in the process branding myself as a nutcase. You know what they say, the nut doesn't fall far from the tree...and there's a mighty big tree outside my window.

I went to see her about the whole freakish prefect incident that just occurred and she told me to buzz off and acted like she didn't know me! Who the bloody hell does that slut think she is? So what if she's got breast the size of Mount Everest? Who gives a shit?

...apparently the whole school.

I think one thing all girls can agree on is that they all fantasise about having two guys fighting over them, but how often does it happen? Well, for Alice, it seems to happen once (if not twice) a day.

Before guys didn't want to date her because they thought she was strangely annoying and too outspoken. Bloody man, still thinking that a woman belongs in the kitchen and in the bedroom looking all cute and innocent keeping her thoughts to herself and keeping to what she was born to do: wash his dirty puke stinking socks and letting him share her bed! When will the world outgrow its bloody antagonizing prejudice and stereotyping? Well as long as there are guys like Potter out there, never. The prospect of being a woman is looking grimmer with every day.

**Revelation:** wow, my life is still just as boring, even with trying to bring Alice back from the dark side, kinda like Luke when he tries to bring Darth Vader (or his father) from the dark side because he believes there's still some good in him. Lost cause if you ask me.

Gotta go find new friends,

Later

Lily Evans

A/N: Hahaha, Lily's a geek! Just kiding. Well I won't be able (unless by some miracle) to post an other chapter until the end of the week, why this one is a little early. Hope you enjoyed, I know it's short but I'm overflowing with stuff to do and a painting which is for tomorrow and I should be currently finishing.

Thanks:

jjp91: Your wish is my commend lol! Thanks for reviewing, glade you like the story! Bye the by, that whole rumour thing was just inconsistent rambling lol! Hope you liked this one, and glade to hopefully have a new regular.

Spanish Wiz: Wow, guess your name wasn't kidding. Thanks for that.

Well got to go!

Josie!


	6. The horror that is food chains

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

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**Entry Number Six:** The horror that is food chains. 

September 15th 1978

7:26 am- Great Hall

Dear Journal,

Alice is really getting on my nerves, she keeps calling me a nerd. I don't get the big deal. Ya, I read outside of school, I like Star Wars (which I've long since lost count the numbers of times I've watched the movies), read comic books and use strange and sometime big words like ergo. I have an extended vocabulary, what do you want me to do about it? Say words like dull instead of blunt and drop 500 points from my IQ so that I can be at her level? I think not! I rather like being and felling superior, and why shouldn't I. Just for the jest of it, I think I'm going to write big and complicated words for the rest of this entry.

Don't quandary with me, I will demolish your privy and you will have to supplicate for my benevolence, for I am the all omnipotent and knowledgeable hind-end of the pontificating burro round yonder! Buah-hum-hum-hum-hum!

For you less intelligible that was: Don't mess with me, I'll squash your loo and you will have to beg for my mercy you stupid dinks, because I'm the strong and smart ass of the talking ass (ha! Donkey) at the other end, you idiot! Buah-ha-ha-ha-ha! I will rule over your world you incoherent monkeys! Dance monkeys dance!

Sorry a little unbalanced up there after my fight with Alice. Seriously, just talking to her now makes me feel stupider, which, yes, I realise is not a word; it's almost as if she sucks the intelligence out of your brain. Eery!

Said the reason she acted like that was because she hadn't noticed it was me. Who the hell does she take me for? Besides, how many freakishly tall redheaded girls whom have been your best friend since the first year, does she know? We're in our fifth year and have been hanging out together all these years, you'd think she would have learned to think up better lies.

Oh no, the preppies have probably stole her brain and they're making nerds study and experiment with it! In exchange, they told them they'd let them hang out with them -ya right, and they're really just trying to find a way to rule the world!

Oh God, what has the world succumbed to when you can't even hang out with your best friend, whom you've had for an X number of years because other people (Ahem preppies ahem!) steal them away? Ok, I'm just being neurotic, she's aloud to have other friends, I can't become possessive, she'll start thinking I'm in love with her or something. Just what I need people spreading rumours about me being gay. It's hard enough to get a boyfriend in this bloody immature school without having rumours like that circulating. God only knows everyone in this school actually take rumours seriously, bloody gits!

* * *

OMG! I was just sitting here on my bed thinking about the prospect of being an outcast when the stupid chain materialized in my head and I realised where I was on the bloody chain! 

Random thought of the day: Alice is now higher up on the social chain than me!

_Social food chain:_

1-The popular/rich kids. Top of the food chain. They get everything they want and act as if they own the world. Potter of course belongs into this category. I'm just as rich as Potter, you'd think I'd be at the top as well, of course Potter made sure of that back in our first year. Besides, I don't have the snobbish attitude for it.

2-The preppies. They depend on their looks and tend to start a large variety of nasty rumours for the simple fact that they are bored. Also extremely annoying and constantly laughing and/or flirting.

3-Friends of preppies. More like groupies. These people do practically anything asked, hoping to become part of their group. Occasionally seen kissing the hem of the preppies school robes. Alice belongs here. (Suddenly she's higher up than me! Bloody stuck up wanna be! The world is in utter chaos. Hell is being run by Boy George! Oh the horror!)

4-Middle class. These are people who know everyone. Nice to everybody and spend their time wandering from one group to an other. Trow _great_ parties!

5-Average class. They have a small group of friends, consisting from 3 to 6. Don't care what others think and are the ruling majority of the school. I belong here! So did Alice before she was taken by the evil dark side!

6- Singles. They're pathetic people who have only one friend and spend all of their waking time with said person. The annoying couple who can be seen snogging 24/7 also belongs here.

7-Geeks. Hang out with other geeks. Spend their time collecting and trading chocolate frog cards. They're really bad with school. Not accepted by anyone. Read any kind of comic book and go to conventions wearing homemade costumes. They usually end up living with their parents till the age of 40.

8-Nerds. Fools hired by the preppies to do their homework. Very smart when it comes to school projects or research but total idiots when it comes to socialism. They are the preppies puppets. Controlled and used at the preppies wile.

9-Suck ups. The ever feared and frequent teachers pet. As unavoidable as they are, there will thankfully never be an epidemic of them. They spend their time researching and doing their homework, often staying after and/or coming early to class to discuss the day's lesson. Originally thought to have been created by the devil as a mean to take over the academic teachings. Then we just realised they just lived to get good grades and would do anything to get them, including shagging the ugly ass Potions teacher. Not liked by anyone, except the ugly ass Potions teacher.

10-Loners. Rejected by everyone. They sit down at the lunch table in a corner at the far end by themselves. Just looking at them makes you pitty them and you feel the incredible urge to ask him/her to join your group. There are a strange number loners in this schools, kinda makes you think why they don't all just band and hang out together.

11-Outcasts. Almost as low as teachers. These people are branded by everyone (preppies) as: ignore; do not talk to them. The consequences of which could be dire, you might find yourself a social outcast. A large portion of these people are fat and/or girls. The preppies spend a lot of their time spreading nasty rumours on the subject of these people. They are subjected to ridicule; people who at one point had been their friends don't even want to admit that they know them. Everyone picks on them and yet they are the most forgotten. They usually did something to one of the preppies to be treated this way. Trust me, if there's one thing the preppies can do, it's hold grudges.

12-Teachers. Last on the chain because no one likes them...for various reasons really. They also get a salary for being here, which is just totally unfair. They spend all their free time in their rooms correcting homework and such. They have no social lives.

There you have it. It's like a shark tank out there; the bloody food chain for schools! The biggest survive longer and the itty bitty ones are stuck at the bottom with no hope! And I'm the fifth (which is actually pretty good). They should have a guide on how to survive school or something. I mean it's like going to war; it's one for all and all for one; me, myself and I; it's a jungle out there and I'm determined to outlive them all!

Oh Holy mother of pearls! This is great, just bloody fantastic! I've spent all this time... well doing what ever it is I'm doing and now I'm late! He'll never let this down! Potter and I have to spend _every_ night together for the remainder of the school year patrolling the halls. Did I mention school started only two weeks ago? Well, there goes my beauty sleep! It isn't enough that my life's gone to hell, but I also have to look like a bloody hag doing so!

Laters (for good this time! I might not come back, depending on what Potter has in store for me!)

**Lily Evans**

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A/N: A huge chapter to make up for my lack of updating. Actually it was written on the boring first Monday night of my March break. Unfortunately, I'm stuck at work, barely any costumers and have thus rendered myself un-bored. Sorta. 

Anyhow, Review! Or I might be forced to stop writing this story seeing as how no one reviews anymore. Sniff, sniff.

An other chapter as soon as possible! I want at least 4 reviews! Common, that isn't a lot. I already have the next chapter half done! REVIEW! Can't believe I've succumbed to begging!  
Josie


	7. The never ending torture!

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

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**Entry Number Seven:** The never ending torture!

September 15th 1978

10:30 pm- Common room

Dear Journal,

Argh! What an infuriating night! When will it all end? More importantly, how? I wonder if God has more in stock for me then to make me suffer, at the hands of Potter no less. I just got back from our first shift, circulating the halls. A very annoying little _bonus_ that goes with being appointed prefect. Have I mentioned how much I hate it all? I hate Potter even more. He's an insufferable prat with no intellectual knowledge. We spent most of the night arguing, fuming, ignoring (God those shortly lived moments were blessed) and even throwing various objects at each other's heads. Actually, I was the only one throwing things at his enormous messy head. When will that boy discover the dramatic things a hairbrush could do to him? It could change his life, most likely for the better. And those glasses, don't even get me started. He has such nice eyes, why hide them behind wire-rimmed spectacles? Scratch that, Potter does not have beautiful eyes, he doesn't! They're a hideous shade of melt your heart chocolate brown! Argh, why, why can't I get his ugly mug out of my head! This is it; I'm going absolutely mental! He's finally cracked me! They're gonna send me to a mental institute. Oh the humanity of it all! The irony of it. I always figured he'd send one of the teacher's there before me. Ok Evans, keep your cool, can't let him know he's gotten to you.

Arghhhhhh!

Oh dear holy mother of pearls, was just Potter's large grinning head. I swear he looked just like that smiling Cheshire cat from Alice in wonderland. Very creepy!

"Whatcha writing?" he asked in his ever so annoying singsong mocking voice he seems to reserve just for me.

"None of your damn business." I answered back coldly.

"Huhmph." He grumbled, actually more of a grunt-like noise, as he threw himself on the couch beside me. "Someone's got her knickers in a twist. Of course I'd be glade to remedy that." He added with a sly smile.

"Get stuffed, you overgrown pompous ass."

"Overgrown pompous ass? What kind of an insult is that Red? Someone's lost her touch."

"Actually, all those bloody annoying hours spent with you, drained me of my supply. So if you don't mind, leave me alone so that I can think up new ones."

"Yep." He answered, looking deep into my eyes, making me feel queasy…… uh, it totally creeped me out, he looked like a deranged psychopath who was gonna pull out an axe any minute and chop me up into little pieces. _Ya, that's it._

"Riiight!" I said after what felt like an eternity. "Better catch those z's huh?"

"Might as well." He said yawning to prove a point as he got up and stretched for what seemed longer than necessary.

He slowly trotted up the stairs, moving his butt around. "I know you're looking at it Evans, not that I blame you, I do have the most gorgeous bottom in this here school."

"Dream on."

Revelation: Potter is more full of himself than I would have imaged. Bigger ego than……hum, must think about that.

* * *

**Top ten new insults to use on Potter**

10-Your mind is so open that ideas simply pass through it.  
9-Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing.  
8-Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own.  
7-Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?  
6-Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.  
5-Don't you need a license to be that ugly?  
4-If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already? (Must use this one next time he asks me out, I refuse, he thus says little speech on how he can't live without my beautiful self. Ahhh, the life of a red head.)  
3-I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. (ha! This one is good, due to him not knowing what a TV is!)  
2-You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you. (So true!)  
1-There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.  
0- (Thought of an other one! Had to add.) All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.

Ah, excellent work's progress. Can now go to sleep, with pride and joy of having refilled my insult stock. Damn it all to hell and back! I gotta finish my homework!

Later,  
**Lily Evans**

* * *

A/N: The top ten, where found on the following web none of those comical, and sometimes heard insults belong to me! Don't sue; all I have is two quarters and a messy room. And my precious Led Zeppelin collection.

Review!

Josie

P.S: Yes, I know, short chapter. Sorry! Will be bigger next update!


	8. Men are vain pigs

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

* * *

**Entry Number Eight:**.Men are vain pigs. 

September 16th 1978

9:23 am- Great Hall, Breakfast

Dear Journal,

I can't even enjoy a peaceful breakfast without being annoyed mercilessly! What have I done in a past life to deserve this? Pretty sure it didn't involve killing anyone, if it did, most likely an accident. Definitely wasn't a hired assassin. Most likely Celtic princess.

Hum. Maybe even a warrior. Or a knight. Famous woman. Maybe I saved the world from eternal damnation.

Gahhhh!

Damn Potter to hell and back. He's so damned infuriating. Popping up from nowhere all the time, disturbing my work ethics. Ha! That's a good one. Me, working on my homework!

"Hey Lils. Watcha up to?" asked Remus, plopping down next to Potter, filling his glass with pumpkin juice.

Damn Remus as well. Why does he have to tease me so? Oh God! He didn't shave this morning. His stubble is light brown and his curly hair is adorable. Why can't a guy like Remus notice me? Sweet, kind, intelligent, HOT! I feel as if the only guys whom I can have, are the ones I don't want. The nerdy, wheezy, too short kind. Or Potter. He just fits into his own private category.

"Nothing much." I answered reaching for a piece of toast as I tried to hide my journal. Way too embarrassing. I need a private place to let out all my pent up anger and frustration. Not intended for anyone's reading pleasure. Which trust me, the marauders would find extremely hilarious. Especially the bit about Remus' amazing buttocks. Oh wait, hadn't mentioned that 'till now.

"Did you do that assignment for Firchill?" he inquired, a curly lock falling over his caramel eye.

I guess I was staring because he waved a hand over my face going. "Woo-hoo! Anyone there? Lily?"

"Huh? Oh, no haven't started on it yet. Been kinda busy lately. What with my new prefect duties and having to baby-sit Potter at the same time. Really gets to you."

Remus started laughing at that. Clear, water running down a mountainside kinda laugh. Wait, does that even make sense? Who cares? He's totally dreamy. Although, I do have my suspicions about his sex. He may be batting for the other side, if you know what I mean. He's never gone out with a girl before. At least, not to my knowledge. He is extremely shy. Would be just my luck though.

"Hey, did you guys hear?" asked Sirius as he sat down next to me, stealing a grape from my plate.

"Hey!" I protested.

"Love you too Lils. Apparently there's gonna be a Halloween ball this year. For fifth years and up. How great is that?"

"I thought you hated dancing." Remus stated, also stealing a grape from my plate. Why is it that guys can't get their own food? They always have to pick off ours even though their plate is full? Not that I'm complaining. Remus can have my grapes anytime. Or would grapefruit be more appropriate ;)

"Yes Remus, I do." Sirius answered exasperated.

"Remus," I said. "If Sirius gets to have a pretty girl on his arm all night, one who's willing to do stuff afterwards, he won't mind dancing."

"See Remus, Lily always gets me."

"It's not very hard. All I have to do is think of the most perverted thing I can think off, and there you have it: your mind."

Remus burst out laughing. "She's got ya there Padfoot ol' mate."

"How about going with me then?" Sirius asked, a sly smile pasted to his face and a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Dream on Sirius. I like a guy who has more taste and whom can actually hold an intelligent conversation." I finished, looking in Remus' direction as I said the last part.

"Don't have to burst my bubble Red. So how about your friend Alice?"

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"You're not her type." I murmured quickly, trying not to scream out loud.

"To bad." He said, looking at the end of the hall where Alice sat, surrounded by a flock of guys, laughing merrily and tossing her hair over her shoulder. Men, so vain.

"Humph!"  
"Jealous Lils?"

"Ya, right. I'm not some conceited bimbo who needs attention every three seconds to feel as if she's appreciated."

Yes, I'm jealous. Any greener with envy and I'd be the Hulk. Why can't the luck fairy strike me? Not that I need the breast fairy. I rather not look like I'm about to topple over, a feat that's already quite hard when you're 5'9 and have breast the size of large grapefruits.

"Exactly. Because Lily is a true woman. She doesn't need magical breast augmentation to feel good about herself."

Ah, wow, Remus is so sweet. Wait! Is he saying I'm flat?

I kept looking at him in strange way, which he seemed to realize as he flushed scarlet (a good look on him) and mumbled something.

"I'm sorry didn't quiet catch that mate."

"I said," he answered, shooting venom at Sirius, "Because she's well proportionate."

"She's a slab of meat now is she, Moony?" asked James, joining in the conversation for the first time.

"No, I just meant, that Lily's perfect the way she is. She's got a great body. Jesh, leave me alone will you! A guy can't even give a compliment around here without his every words being scrutinized."

"Calm down Rem, just curious. Didn't know you had the hots for our Lily flower over here." Sirius said, putting his muscled arm around my shoulders. How many weights does this guy lift every night? And to what purpose? I know he's a beater, but they don't seriously have to be weight lifting champions do they? All they do is swing a stick, hit a couple of bludgers and injure other players. Now chaser, there's a position! It requires skill and speed! And yes, I do rock at it!

OMG! Did Sirius just say what I think he said? Remus loves me! I think.

Of course, during that awkward little silence, that's when things turned sour. I reached over for my pumpkin juice, knocking over the large pitcher of milk and in the process spilling Sirius' orange juice all over my lap. The gods have cursed me with clumsiness. Why me? Isn't my life bad enough that I have to be clumsy top it all of. Aren't I enough of a freak, without being clumsy as well?

"Still clumsy I see." Peter said, making me jump which resulted in me elbowing James. Seriously, the guy came out of nowhere!  
"Ouff! Watch it Evans!" he yelled. "That hurt."

"You're such a wimp Potter." I said, punching him in the arm to emphasize my point.

"Ok, I'm stopping this right now before it turns ugly. Lils you won't have time to change before class, so hold still." Remus muttered a spell under his breath and my clothes were miraculously clean. Must learn that spell! Will ask Remus latter. Also perfect chance for me to flirt with him. Do not want to go to dance alone. Or worst, get stuck with some creepy pervert. Or Snape! Ahhhh! Must find date! Please God let Remus be straight! Or interested in me, which ever, not that fussy! _Really_! Let him be straight, oh merciful being extraordinaire!

"Thanks," I mumbled looking down. Must not let him see how embarrassed I am. Yum, Remus would look totally dishy in dress robes. Or boxers! Really not that picky!

"See you in Potions. Save you a seat?" Remus asked getting up.

Can't think straight! Remus. Overload!

Do something! Nod. Pathetic.

"See you then." He added leaving the room and the mess I had created behind. Could it be there is life out there? Could it be there's a guy who likes me, C cup, freakish height, red hair, clumsiness and all?

James suddenly got up and stormed away. "It was just a punch!" I yelled at his retreating back.

"Well, must dash! I have to stop at the library for a book to occupy myself with during History of utter boredom."

Revelation: Thinking of naked guy friends while looking at a book about female psychology is not normal.

* * *

Gah! Still 40 minutes left before I can leave this brain numbingly stupid class! Seriously, everyone in this class is either: brain dead, asleep, high or just plain stupid. Hate History of boredom class. Only 36 minutes until I can go to fun loving Potions class where I get to sit next to Remus who will hopefully ask me to the dance! 

**Top ten responses to use if Remus asks me to the dance**

10- Let me check my schedule. (Don't want to seem too free or desperate)  
9- Yes, take me, right now! Right here, Oh God, yes! (Hum, too desperate. Scratch that.)  
8- Sure! And maybe we could like colour coordinate our outfits and like have matching undergarments. (GAHHH! Too preppie! Why do I have to be seated next to the only preppie in the class? The most annoying one at that; the one who won't shut up for three seconds? Why me! Cruel!)  
7- Ya, ok. (Simple. Yet too laid back. Might think I'm not all that interested. A pity yes.)  
6- Um, someone already asked me. (NO! Bad Lily! What ever you do, don't say NO!)  
5- Sure. And then maybe after we could get together? I have a friend who owns a hot tub. (Oh God, please help me!)  
4- Enthusiastic nod. (Like this one. Only fear is that I won't be able to stop nodding, which will result in me either looking like a bobble head or my head rolling off my shoulders. Or would that be neck?)  
3-I'm afraid the matter in which you speak is not one, I, myself like to get involved with. I believe it is only a way to get women all excited, spend loads of money on a dress, get laid and never hear from the guy again. Why don't we skip all that and find a closet? (GAH! What is wrong with my very perverted mind! Oh, I know, it's perverted! I'm turning into a bloody guy! Next thing you know, I'll be burping in public, growing a red beard, which will only result in me looking like a circus freak, and scratch my butt in public!)  
2- I'd like that. (Hum, I do like that!)  
1- I'd love that dahhh-ling! (RUNING OUT OF IDEAS! I just hope I don't make a blundering fool out of myself! Or spill something on him! HELP! )

Maybe I should just move to Nigeria, change my name and be never heard from again! Sounds good. Oh, I can't, I have to finish an essay due today in potions! Could this day get any worst? Oh no! I just jinxed it! It will get worst, just like in those muggle programs. I have a headache.

Desperately unhappy, with no chance of ever getting married or having a boyfriend,  
**Lily Evans**

* * *

A/N: Ok people, this is your chance to talk. What do you think will happen? Will Remus ask Lily out? What will be her reaction? What will happen! Buahahahaha! Only I hold the key to those answers, as I am the ruler of this planet you all call earth. Nah, I've just written the next two chapters. But if you wanna read 'em, you gotta vote 'em. Yes, realise that makes barely any sense. 

P.S: I like long reviews! ;) Oh and I realise this chapter might be a little different. Sorry, didn't mean to be offensive of anything. Tell me whatcha think!

Godspeed,

Josie


	9. Utter brain chaos

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

* * *

**Entry Number Nine:** Utter brain chaos

September 16th 1978

11:23 am- History of boredom classroom

Dear Journal,

AHHHH! Still two minutes! Will explode from all the pent up frustration brought on by waiting! Bad scenarios keep popping through my mind; I'm driving myself insane!

**Top five scenarios involving Remus asking me to the dance:**

5- Remus: "Lily, would you like to go to the dance with me?"  
Me: "Yes!" Knocks over potion bottle on Remus. He turns into squirrel  
Remus: "I don't think this will work out!"

4- Remus: "Lily, would you like to go to the dance with me?"  
Me: "I thought you'd never ask. Actually I just thought you were gay."  
Remus: "Gay? Why?"  
Me: "Uh, because I've never seen you with a girl."  
Remus: shrilly voice "_I'm shy!_"  
Me: "Uh ,ok. So what time you ganna pick me up at?" hopeful smile.  
Remus: "Actually, I''m bringing someone else, sorry Lils." runs away.  
Me: Stunned. Bludgeon self to death with a meat cleaver.

3-Remus: "Lily, would you like to go to the dance with me?"  
Me: "I'd love that!" Trip, head hits corner of a table. Die.  
Remus: "Uh, ok. Hey Alice, wanna go to the dance with me?"  
Alice: "Sure Remus, I'd like love that. I've had like the hugest crush on you for like forever. You should have asked me like sooner."  
Remus: "If I''d know you were into me, I wouldn't have wasted all that time on Lily. Let's go find a closet."  
Both: Skipping merrily away, frolicking and having a good time while my body lays on the ground and shrivels, until ten years later when a first grader finds my bones and uses them to play with his dog.

2-Remus: "Lily, would you like to go to the dance with me?"  
Me: "I'd love that."  
Remus: "Uh, you've got something in your teeth."  
Me: Mortified, runs to the loo and never heard from again. (Already used the death scenario and thus: dies of shame, doesn't apply here.)  
1-Remus: "Lily, would you like to go to the dance with me?"  
Potion teacher:"No talking. Lily, Remus, detention!"  
Remus: "Thanks a lot Lily! Now I have to spend my whole Saturday cleaning cauldrons!"  
Me: "Well, it's not so bad. And you'll be with me. We'll have loads of fun and we could play a prank on that old hog. What do you say?"  
Remus: "I say, never mind about the whole dance thing. I'd rather go with someone who isn't……well you, you clumsy oaf."  
Me: "But Remus."  
Remus: "Alice? Wanna go to the dance with me?"  
Alice: "Sure."  
Me: Spends rest of her days alone, miserable and surrounded by cats.

You may have noticed how every scenario starts off right. Remus asking me to the dance, but then it takes a horrible twist for the worst, completely ruining everything!

I need psychological help!

Oh no, the bell! I have to go to Potions now. Remus. GAHHH! Help!

Wish me luck.  
**Lily Evans**

* * *

A/N: Guess you'll all have to wait a little longer to know what happens. Buahahahaha, I'm so evil! Hope you liked. Please review!

Godspeed,

Josie


	10. Impending doom

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

* * *

**Entry Number Ten:** Impending doom. Why is it always me?

September 16th 1978

11:40 am- Potions

Dear Journal,

Why me? Have I really done something to deserve this anguish?

"Hey sexy," Sirius said sitting down in the vacant seat next to me in Potions. Yup, Remus hasn't shown up yet. Wonder what's keeping him.

Maybe a giant gorilla has eaten him. Or a bunch of ninjas sneak attacked him! Oh my God! What if he's traveled back in time and is currently being attacked by raging pilgrims. Stupid pilgrims.

"Hey Si, what's up?"

"The sky." He answered with a slight chuckle. How original! Ladies and gentlemen meet Sirius Black the worst joke teller in the world! So repetitive and boring as to make professor Binnes fall off his chair.

"Ha. Good one." Might as well amuse him.

"So, got a date yet?" he asked raising his eyebrow, a giant grin on his face insinuating he knew the answer already.

**Top five reasons why I should say no to Sirius:**

5-He's devilish.

4- Still a slight chance that Remus didn't run away to join the circus out of sudden impulse and will want to ask me to dance, where we will frolic happily and I won't be lonely for the rest of my life.

3-He's too good looking. Nothing good can come of it. I must fight my hormonal-ly charged female sex. So...hard...do not give in to his amazing bod! Must look away!

2-Will make Alice jealous. Huh, on the other hand, that's not a bad thing. Evil Grin

1-Heavy drinker.

Sirius the Tank. That's right, who would have thought, lovable perverted womanizing mischievous prankster whom is best friends with the annoyingly always in your face and laughing at other people's hair (hello, have you seen his hair? It sticks up in strange places and it's jet black; it looks like he never heard of a very useful invention called a hairbrush.) Womanizing jerk Potter...whoa I lost my train of thought. Well basically who would have thought that beneath that calm cool exterior of handsomeness and one of the best bloody English accent I've ever hear (honestly everyone should have his pronunciation and to die for accent) would exist a total, sometimes more than others, drunk. Ok, over exaggerating again, not a drunk; here's basically a definition brought to you by The Galactical Book Of All-Knowing Words: (Joke! Don't sue, I have naught but vinyl records!)

Si-ri-us: 1A long bottomless pit or stomach or even body that never seems to fill, at all! Also known as the brightest star in the sky, otherwise known as Canis Major. 2Over usage of puns with the word serious, which can be very repetitive and dull. 3Stupid womanizing prat.

Bl-ack: 1Black mailer. 2Look up Sirius(above you idiot), combine both together.

Hence, the tank. I know, I don't get it either.

"No I don't have a date yet, as you unmistakably already know." I answered.

"Hum, I see."

Just then, like a beautiful flower in spring, or even Gabriel appearing to Marie, Remus popped up. Scratch that last one. Remus is nothing like the amazing St. Gabriel my patron saint. Or Michael the archangel. He's more like a Greek God really. Completely different. Hum, wonder if Remus is Greek. His name comes from Greek mythology and his skin is of the Greek tint. Wow, I wrote the word Greek (counting this one time) 5 times, in 3 lines. Must find a synonym for Greek.

"Oh hey Remmy." Sirius said cheerfully, getting out of Remus' reserved seat, which I'm happy, he remembered. Would have been awkward if I would of had to ask him to leave so that his seat could go to my beloved Remus.

"Thanks" he said sitting down next to me. Remus is sitting next to me! NEXT TO ME! HA!

"See you guys." Sirius added, walking to the other end of the room where Potter was sitting scowling. He's such a baby. Sirius talks to me and he gets jealous.

"Hey, sorry I'm late, thanks for saving my seat." He said, with a smile, looking deep into my soul. I felt as if he could read my mind. Which frankly, wasn't a good thing, seeing as how my mind can be filthy and perverted like a drunken clown.

"No prob. figured you'd run into a snag of some sort." Help! Help! Can't stop my mind. Will accidentally blurt out something sexual or stupid and I'll be domed to spend the rest of my life working as a cranky old librarian with absolutely no love life. Which Ironically will be the source of my crankiness.

"Ya, damn Angus started at me for leaving mud behind. I haven't even been outdoors since yesterday. Turns out it was that stupid prat Dilken." He said, staring intently at my face. What is it? Oh my God, do I have a huge pimple? Great, am domed. Am giant procreating zit machine. Why can't I have clear skin like the rest of my peers?

"Sodding evil bloke. I swear that caretaker has a stick rammed up his arse. Constantly blaming the wrong people and always cranky. Don't think I've ever seen him crack a smile."

"True." He said cracking a smile of his own.

"Good morning class." Ya right, good for whom? So far I've managed to create mayhem in the great hall, spill orange juice over self, make blundering fool of self and humiliate self, all in less than three hours. Good morning all right.

...Then again, things seem to be looking up.

"Today we'll be making" God this man is boring. Surprised he has a wife. Who'd want to marry some dried up prune that drones on for hours and gives away detentions like Dumbledore gives candy.

Now, to casually steer the conversation to the upcoming dance without sounding desperate or expectant.

"I'll grab the ingredients from the cupboard." I said, totally panicking as people starting readying today's experiment.

Can't believe I freaked out like that. Ahhh, hands trembling. What the hell is wrong with me!

"Ouff!"

Oh no, broke a vial which contained some kind of slimy substance. Why the hell did Alice just run into me like that? I can't believe her. Calm down Evans, calm. Remain true to the Zen. What the hell am I saying? I don't even know what that means. Urgh, that slim smells horrible. Feeling a little light headed. Think I'll just go sit down.

"You alright?" asked Remus as I stubbled to my desk.

"Me? Oh ya, excellent. As great as Alexander."

"If you say." he added with a chuckle. "So, big dance coming up huh?" he asked, getting straight to the point. Why is it the guys seems to have no fear, no readable outwardly emotion? Maybe he's a robot here to steal my brain!

Ohhhh, the inside of my head is all fuzzy. Feels as if a plethora of pink bunnies just found home inside my head. Jumping around all over. Jumppy jumppidy jump! Jump, jump!

"James is a great guy isn't he?" he mentioned waiting for my answer. Potter? What in the name of Da Vinci is he getting at? Ohhhh, he's a great inventor/painter. Apparently a homosexual. Like Remus. I'm the descendant of the Homo Sapiens. Haha, sapiens...

"Ah ha ha ha ha, great, oh yes very. I like chocolate, don't you? It's just soooo chocolaty! I don't know why, but I have the sudden urge for chocolate!"

Oh Remus purrr-ty! Must touch. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke.

"Lily, why you poking me?"

"You're my angel Remus!" pat, pat, "I don't care if you're gay, it's hot!" touchy his face. "Guys! Ah ha ha ha ha! Guys, must have. Go to dance Remmy?"

Oh, no good feeling. Black spots. Must catch. Oh puurrr-tttyy starys! Willhug...

* * *

A/N: Buaha-ha-ha-ha! I'm so evil! Cliffhanger! Now I would like to first and foremost make amends for my long absence. Secondly I would like to thank all of you who have sent e-mails, and reviews helping me through this difficult time. I would have updated a little while back but I was swamped with stuff. An other chapter to come sometime next week, cuz I still have two or three more stories to update first. Once more, thanks to everyone, you're great! Oh, and can you believe I've been trying to load this chapter for three days now? Fanfiction...

Love you all,

Josie

P.S: OH MY FREAKIN' GIDDY GOD OF HEAVEN AND ALL THAT IS RIGHTEOUS! Chapter ten! Happy anniversary to me! Ten chapters, an unbelievable feet! Celebrate by drawing fan art of Lily clobbering James, run the streets naked! Just do something celebratory! Realize it's not a word! WHO-HO! Am as great as Alexander! Copyrights!

Old A/N:

**April 2nd 2006:**

No, sorry guys this isn't a new chapter. I know I've been a little slow on the updates and all, but my grandmother is passing away and it's an extremely hard and emotional time for all of us. She has Alzheimer, a horrible cruel disease that renders the subject to lose not only her memory but strip them of everything. So, please, if you can, donate money at the Alzheimer's society so that we can make sure no one else has to suffer. Because without donations, scientist can't support their research; it is an extremely costly profession, which needs a lot of expensive equipment. I saw my great grandmother pass away in the same fashion, and since it's hereditary I wouldn't be able to watch my father slowly disappear either (I don't think I could go threw it all again) and I hope that together we can find a cure. I'm sorry for the huge damper but I can't bring myself to update for a while, I'll be extremely busy and to say the least very depressed and angry for the next couple of days. So keep looking for updates, but I can't guarantee anything until the end of the week or next week at the latest. Sorry any inconvenience this may have caused and I hope you'll keep with the story anyway. In the mean time I suggest reading some of my other stories, which include: Raspberry Sugar Quills and Stuck in my Crawl, which has been recently updated. Thank you, once again for your time and support.

Love always,

Josie G. Evans


	11. Angel of utter cumbersome

**_IMPORTANT NOTE:_** READ PREVIOUS CHAPTER, WHICH WAS UPDATED BEFORE CONTINUING TO THIS ONE!

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

* * *

**Entry Number Eleven:** Angel of utter cumbersome 

September 17th 1978

2:31 pm- Hospital Wing

Dear Lily's Journal,

It seems to me that Lily likes to inscribe every single moment of her life into this little green book, so I figured I might as well do her the favour of writing down a passage or two, seeing how she's still hasn't woken up. I should hate to deprive her of current events.

Let's see, miss Evans walked over to the cupboard to grab a couple of ingredients for a potion when a "clumsy" miss Moonweather pushed our beloved heroine's friend Alice, resulting in the two to collide, causing a potion of the slimy variety to spill to the ground and onto our lovely Lily's shoes. This slimy substance which I've yet to discover the identity, caused Lily to behave in a strange drugged manner up until her eyes rolled inside her head and the patient fainted.

She is currently residing in the hospital wing with no signs of improvement or signs of life with the exception of her rising bosom as she slowly breaths.

Even in this state she is a beautiful intriguing creature, full of spirit. Although, since she isn't moving and knocking down things, she seems a bit more graceful. Others would call this an improvement, but I happen to secret like her clumsy way. The manner in which she walks, with her head always bowed down, looking at her feets so as to not trip over anything; her 5 foot 9 frame, still managing to walk gracefully through the crowds, her red hair bouncing to and fro with every step. She has captured my attention from the very first instant I lay eyes on her. Every single one of her aspects fascinating to the very bone.

Yet, as soon as she wakes up, my heart will once again be filled with sorrow, that I wish she never wakes. To reside in a chamber like the sleeping beauty she is, until she is awakened by a prince worthy of her eternal love.

Look at me, I'm rambling such nonsense. She has a way of doing such to me. The worst part is that she has no idea of the power she wields over me. Were she ever to know, I believe she might laugh in my face.

It is getting late, and I should probably leave before I am found out. I shall leave this entry anonymous so that when she discovers them, she will not know of the scribe behind such thoughts. So that I may remain naught but a secret admirer, I shall write in a nom de plum, which only my beloved would be able to find humour.

Yours forever and until the next,

**Jacques Harnault Prudhomme**

* * *

A/N: Happy 06/06/06 every one. Now as this entry said above, check out the previous chapter which no one seems to know has been updated for over a month. So really, it's almost as if you guys have a double chapter treat to excuse my long absence, which is justified in said chapter. Now, now, who is this mysterious person? I wonder. Why a french name? Jacques is apparently the french version of Giacomo, which was the first name of the ever so famous Casanova. Not revealing anything else; you'll either have to figure out the meaning to the other names yourself or keep reading. Evil smile. 

Interesting little fact, Casanova actually died on the 4th of June. For those of you who don't know, that's my birthday lol!

What a mess she has gotten herself into.

Until the next, hopefully sometime tomorrow,

Josie


	12. Sleep eternally

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

* * *

**Entry Number Eleven:** Sleep eternally 

September 18th 1978

11:51 am- Hospital Wing

Dear Lily's Journal,

I was, once again, able to sneak into the hospital wing for a quick look at the angel residing within. Her golden red hair resembled a sheen curtain of bright sunlight, curling about her face. My angel of light would find such thoughts strange and more than slightly disturbing; she would only end up running farther away from me in the quickest escape route available to her.

She's the most stubborn woman I've ever had the misfortune of meeting. She holds me captivated, tugging the thin cords of my heart with the thoughtlessness of a toddler.

Nothing much has happen in the two days you've slept my dear. The teachers are being their usual boring selves. Sirius made two teachers hyperventilate in less than an hour (a new personal best). Alice is spending the next three week serving detention in the potions lab for the little "incident" she caused. You might be exhilarated to hear about this my little red harpy. Revenge feels so sweet, does it not? You always were one to hold a grudge.

Can you keep a secret? Of course you can. No matter what people may say, you've always been a loyal person. I find myself ever so jealous whenever you speak with other guys. The blood rushes to my ears and all sense escapes me. I would never admit such things aloud. I find the mere thoughts of it to be humiliating, which is why I'm glade to have found your book lying next to where you passed out. I quickly pocketed it, knowing you would miss it dearly if it were lost. You think no one knows about this journal of yours, but there are eyes all around you. People can't seem to keep them to themselves. Even the walls watch. The very paintings move with life. Litterally.

You're very strong my fiery phoenix, you'll bounce back from the humiliation. Fainting is not a sign of weakness. Besides, the unknown slimy substance is to blame.

...Ever wonder what it would of been like? The two of us? Probably not.

The lunch bell just rang. I better leave before people start noticing my absence.

Until we meet again my dove.

I hope we can continue these meetings of ours,

**Jacques Harnault Prudhomme**

* * *

A/N: As promised, an other chapter. I will try to update regularly like this all summer if time permits. I would like to once more thank all my readers for their amazing support. The letters you all took time to write brought a smile to my face. I seem to have come to terms with death at a very early stage of my life, when a friend of mine passed away at the age of 13. It's still quite hard though, as most of you already know.

Onto less depressing matters shall we. The identity of Jacques might be a good place to start. Hahaha, guess I can't fool you guys. I had hoped it wasn't so blaring-ly obvious. I hadn't planned any of this. The accident, the Jacques character. As always, my keyboard took over, and I was left defenceless at it's evil writing plight.

Hopefully we'll be getting our overly dramatic, clumsy heroine back soon. Depending on what mood my keyboard is.

Enjoy,

Josie


	13. Stalkers beware!

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

* * *

**Entry Number Thirteen:** Stalkers beware!

September 19th 1978

2:34 pm- Hospital Wing

Dear Journal,

OH HOLY MOTHER OF FREAKING PEARLS AND ALL THAT IS HOLY ON THIS GODFORSAKEN EARTH!

Not only did I act like a total fool in front of Remus but I've been in a coma-like state for the past three days. To make matters worst, someone hijacked my journal, read it and used it for their own personal benefit.

To make the whole ordeal five notches creepier, it seems this Jacques character is stalking me. HELP!

Must calm down or will start hyperventilating. ARGH! Alice...will...kill...

How dare she? I can't believe she'd just betray me in such a fashion. She was supposed to be my friend!

Urgh. Am so not feeling well. Just thinking about what happened with Remus is making me nauseous. Doesn't help matters that I have a photographic memory. Or that my head seem to be permanently stuck on rewind.

Why did I poke? Why, OH WHY, did I poke?

Ahh! Footsteps coming, might be stalker.

* * *

Was not stalker. Was only nurse coming to give me a dose of something she assured me was medicine. Very nasty stuff. Had to fight the urge to spit it in her face as she smiled at me from behind her large outdated specks.

Why is it these things only happen to me? Am I doomed to spend the rest of eternity jinxed? I just want to crawl inside myself and never come out.

Of course, I can never be left alone for more than three seconds. Enters Sirius Black.

"Hey Red!" he said, jumping onto my hospital bed, causing the bars to creak under the sudden weight.

"Stop calling me that!" I said through clenched teeth, more than slightly annoyed. All I want is to be left alone in my walloping misery. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently so...

"Cranky. Time of the month?"

ARGHHH! Why is it that whenever a girl is cranky or bordering on the psychopath route, every single guy on earth believes your aunt Flow is currently visiting?

**Piece of advice for every guy out there:** Murders happen!

"No, it is not my time of the month and please get off my feet."

"Ok, ok. Calm down Lils. Just heard that you'd finally woken up and figured the first thing you'd like to see upon wakening would be my face."

Oh yes, just what I need...a heart attack.

"How thoughtful. Sorry if I'm all little crabby but I have, if possible, slept too much. I think it's catching up to me."

Now that didn't even make sense. I'm now rambling incoherent things. Must be a side affect.

"Right. Oh, before I forget, Peter sends his love." he said cracking up. "Oh, ah ha ha ha. Sorry, it just makes me laugh every time. What a total dink. That kid is so strange, I sometimes wonder if he's from a different planet."

"That's very sweet of him. Tell him I said thanks."

Uh, did I say something wrong? Why is Sirius currently eyeing me as if I spontaneously grew an extra appendage?

"Oh, I get it." I said, in answer to his queer looks, "Lily has a heart. Run! Godzilla is on a flower sprouting rampage. The wicked witch is adopting orphans. Hitler is gay!"

At that blessed moment, the nurse came rushing in. I guess my shrill voice brought me to her attention and Sirius was swiftly kicked out after wishing me a speedy recovery, all the while still throwing strange looks my way.

It's the side affects.

* * *

The nurse finally left after many protest made on my current health. She seems convinced I'm some poor helpless animal that will shatter into a million pieces if left alone, unattended.

If I have to spend one more night in this infernal place, I might just go crazy. At least then they'll have a valid reason for keeping me here. Till then however, I'd like to be able to enjoy what's left of my premature life.

On second thought, being stuck here isn't all that bad. I don't have to face any of my peers. Not to mention my beloved Remus. Or the freaky, journal kidnapping, stalker.

I'm also temporarily let off from my prefect duties. YES! Score: Lily 6; life 4 489 673 443. I think the odds are slightly more in it's favour.

At least I don't have to hang out with that annoying geekyAlice Joplinwannabe. He's the most obnoxious, infuriating ass I've ever had the misfortune of meeting. Sutpid Potter and his messy hair.

**List of things to do:**

5-Catch up on homework. Ha, like that'll ever happen!

4-Punch Alice out cold. Think she can get away with what she did to me? Huh. I'm more than capable of ruining my life on my own, thank you very much!

3-Change schools.

2-Find out what ever happened to that third grader. _Seriously,_ what happened to him?

1-Hunt down mysterious Journal kidnapper. Make his life miserable. Think he can scare me within an inch of my life and get away with it? Huh! Stalkers... Also, thank him for returning my Journal.

Urgh, stupid side affects.

Oh my God. Someone lurking in the shadows. Heart beating loudly. It's the journal kidnapper. Has to be...

...was just Remus.

"What the hell are you doing scaring me like that?" I asked furiously as he came out of the shadows.

He looks just like I remembered him. My tall, handsome, screw-able, messy curls... urghgh. Hope I'm not foaming at the mouth.

"Nice to see you too Red." he added with one of his delightful crooked smiles. He makes me melt like an iceberg effected by global warming. Without all of the nasty consequences. Although, it does render me incapable of speech. Also makes me look like an idiot with a limited vocabulary.

As I stared at an adorable curl that, even with all his efforts, kept falling into his face, he got closer to the bed and sat down next to me. His amazing buttocks inches from my leg. It took all the composure I could muster not to suddenly yell out: TAKE ME!

Must...not...ravage...hot male.

"I was so worried when you passed out. It scarred me shitless. Your eyes rolled inside your head, grabbing onto my shirt as you fell to the ground..."

Great, it's even worst than I thought. I'm not even glamourous when I pass out. Wait, he was worried! FOR ME! Someone worried about me! Remus loves me still! I mean, he did sneak in here to see me. He can't hate me...right?

"...and I didn't know what to do. I totally freaked out. All I could think about was how you'd been fine a few minutes ago and now, all of a sudden you were lying at my feet."

Hum, now there's a good mental image. Remus towering over me, as I lay at his feet ;D ...doing unmentionables incase you didn't get that Journal stalker. That's right, I'm in love with someone else! So, just you stay away. From me and my Journal. Poor Journal, it's alright, did the mean bad kidnapper scare you?

Humph, he could of at least called for help. Had he lost his voice or something? Oh, I can't stay mad at him, especially when he looks so adorably sad.

"Remus, it's all right. I'm fine, see? Just a few strange side affects to deal with. I'll be as healthy as horse in a couple of days. Wait, I don't get it. Why a horse? Horses can be sick as well..."

Great, I'm rambling. About horses none the less. Someone shut me up!

"Well, I just wanted to see how you were fairing." he said after a long awkward pause, where I finally managed to shut up.

"I'm great." I said, a large smile, plastered to my face.

Oh holy mother of pearls! He's leaning in towards me! HE'S GONNA KISS ME!

"I better get going." he said briskly getting up, having been inches from my face a mere seconds ago.

"What!" I said frantically.

"I have stuff to do. Hope you get better soon Red. See ya later." he said with a final weak smile as he left.

ARGH! What is wrong with me? Wait, what is wrong with him? So confused! Boys are supposed to be simple. They love food, sex, scantily leather clad girls, sports, more scantily clad girls, sleep and girls. Why is it that my heart belongs to the only complicated guy out there?

It's not like I was exactly dressed. Sure hospital robes are very unflattering, but common, they're see-through!

Maybe he is gay and he just got caught up in the moment. Urngh, just my luck to fall for a gay guy.

Why is he messing with my head! So aggravating. How hard is it to at least tell me he's not interested. It's quite simple, see, all he has to do is say: Lils, you're a great gal, and really, I like you, but I'm into guys. If I were straight I would totally bang you though. If you're interested, I could introduce you to a couple friends of mine.

Not hard at all I tell you! But no, he has to play mind games with me.

Am too exhausted to think. Will just take a small nap, all the while try to stop obsessing over something I obviously will never have.

Misery succumbs me,

** Lily Evans**

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the whole Hitler reference. I recently saw: The Producers, and it's currently stuck in my head.

As for this chapter, I was getting kinda tiered of the new format, so I opted for a little Sleeping Beauty reversal, if you catch my drift. Hope you didn't mind converting to the ever, oh so dramatic Lily. Really could not be helped. My keyboard controls all.

Oops. I wrote such a large chapter to make up for yesterday's that I lost track of time.

REVIEW! Or I might send the creepy stalker Journal kidnapper at your door.

The omni-present God,

formally known as Josie,

OUT!


	14. The curse that is me, my life and I

**Stuck in my Crawl**

by Josie E.

* * *

**Entry Number Fourteen:** The curse that is me, my life and I.

September 20th 1978

9:46 am- Hospital Wing

Dear Journal,

HURGH!

That's right ladies and gentlemen, your brave righteous heroine is still in this horrible place they like to call the hospital wing. Because of whom you might be wondering. Because of my ex-best friend Alice.

I'm cursed, doomed, jinxed, … take your pick.

I have been force fed a disgusting kelp medicine for the past 6 hours, my freedom has been refused 10 times, and I have been threatened by the nurse.

What is a poor brave soul to do in such situations? Sneak out of course. But, as I have been proven to be the unluckiest soul in the universe, Potter once more foiled my dastardly deeds. Damn Potter.

"Hey Red, how you holding up? Still in one piece I hope?"

"Stop calling me that! And why, pray tell, do you care if I'm still in one piece or not Potter?"

"Whatever Red, just came to see if my partner is curing well so as to run rounds tonight. Then again, woman are the weaker sex, it might take you an other week before being able to get out the door without fainting."

"Go to hell you womanizing sexist prick!"

"Such language. Naughty little girl. I see you were trying to escape the clutches of the nurse. Tsk, tsk."

"URGH!"

My day just keeps on getting worst. Make that my life.

"Did you have a nice talk with Remus before passing out Fireball?"

Silence.

This is the only method that seems to aggravate Potter more than anything. Just ignore him for a few minutes and he goes absolutely bonkers. I think it has something to do with the fact that he's an only child. He's use to all the attention that his parents and everyone else always give him.

Do-do-do-doooo! Hum, my finger nails are getting quite long. No clipper with me. Will just have to make do without.

"Evans! I'm talking to you!"

Hum, very stubborn nail. Oh, duhh! Am a witch, can just use wand.

"Evans is a big hairy hippy!"

Hum, very persistent little bugger. Usually he gives up after two minutes. Must not give in to insulting. Am a respected, talented, peaceful, Zen-like...who the hell am I kidding?

"Evans! Evans! EVANS!"

Ha! He looks like a chicken! Flailing his arms about, yelling at me, his face within inch of my own. He's now turning into a lovely shade of red. More of a magenta really. Wait, does that mean red? Where's the dictionary when you need it? Probably off making out with Miss Thesaurus. Cheating bastard. What about his loving wife: Mrs Synonym and their loving grammar kids ? Huh! What about them? He's off having a good time while the rest of his family goes to church on Sunday and she goes about making his meals and bidding to his every requests each night.

I do believe I'm getting carried away here.

"Fine, I guess you don't want to hear what I have to say."

You got that damn right. Did you figure that out on your own? It only took you ten minutes!

"It has to do with Remus..." he said in sing-song voice, turning his back to me as he started to walk away.

Cheeky bastard... He's gone out and found my only weakness. Ok, so one off of my very long list of weaknesses, but a weakness all the same.

Must not give in to temptation. But...I must know. What if it has something to do with me? What if Remus wants to proclaim his undying love for me? Maybe he wants to run off into the sunset and elope. Oh my god, maybe he wants to...

"Suit yourself."

Stupid Potter, ruining my thoughts. Where was I, oh right, deciding if I was going to give in to his evil plan or not.

"What do you want Potter?" I said, giving in. Not one of my proudest moments. I couldn't even withstand the oldest trick in the book.

"Oh, little old me? I don't want much."

Glare. Glare. Glare. Maybe I can glare him into obliviation.

"Don't look at me like that." he said, "I didn't do anything."

"Right, and I'm the Dalai Lama..."

"Miss Evans! What are you doing out of bed? Get back in here! This instant!"

Damn it all to the-hell-run-by-Potter and back!

* * *

**2:28pm-** Hum, guess I over slept. Oh well, that can hardly be helped now can it? Besides, I'm rarely afforded such luxuries, you gotta take 'em as they come. Or something along those lines.

I'd almost forgotten about creepy Journal stealing stalker whom I shall now refer to as: CJSS until I can think of a better acronym. That's what they're called right?

He shall not go unpunished for his evil deeds. He will suffer greatly! As someone who was probably very important, and obviously wise, once said: Hell hath no fury as a woman's scorn.

: CJSS: Creepy Journal Stealing Stalker, for those of you who didn't get it. Which includes you CJSS! Don't _you_ forget it!

OH HEAVENLY PIE CRUST! I've only just realised that I've yet to be asked to the upcoming dance! Nooooooo! It's not that I need a man by my side, I've very well capable to take care of myself and I don't mind going to a dance unaccompanied. It's the just the snide comments that come for months on end by doing so, get old real fast. Not to mention that I usually end up spending said months in detention for either: hexing, punching, throwing of various objects and yelling obscenities at said people.

What about Remus? Even with all hours of sleep I've just had, I'm still just as confused as before said "nap".

Is he gay? Is he just not interested? If so why? I'm not that disgusting...at least I believe I'm not. URGH! Men are so infuriatingly complicated! Why lead me on if he's not interested? And what about the almost kiss? Maybe I dreamed that. Or it could have been a drug induced hallucination. Not that I'm on drugs, I meant medicinal...durr!

And now to top it all off, there's that whole thing with Potter. What does he know? I must find out. Maybe he somehow found out about my feelings for Remus and he's gonna try and blackmail me. He did say he wanted something. So befuddled. More complicated than overbearing math problem. Urgh, math...the very thought of which makes me queasy.

**Top 5 reasons why mathematic sucks royal boots:**

5- Soooo overly complicated for absolutely no good reason.

4-Why does it have to be forced down your throat for years on end? All I need to know is how to add and subtract and I'm set for life. Seriously, who even uses complicated things like X in everyday life.

3- Jack + Jill his best friend - gay love One very complicated love triangle. See? I know how to add and subtract.

2- Because history repeats itself. That's right. You know it's true. Let's all just ignore the fact that it has nothing to do with math and why it sucks and lets just look at the facts for one second. Throughout the coarse of history, every single student has hated their math teacher. Huh, I guess it was relevant after all.

1- It just does.

Ha! You though I was going to add something else huh? Like: It just does. You want to fight or something? Don't argue with me, I'm god's secretary and I can say what I want.

Sure fooled you, didn't I?

I blame the side affects.

Feels like I'm gonna die,

**Lily Evans**

* * *

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to bubblegirl27. Oh and sorry for all the spelling errors. So tiered...

Oh and blah blah blah, if you happen to have a bit of spare time and nothing else to do, why not check out my gallery: www.josiewiesmen44. That's right folks, you're beloved (HA!) writer (HA!) is also an artist (HA!)... am so not thinking very highly of myself right now...can you tell?

Well enough about me, hope you enjoyed,

Josie!

P.S: Sorry for extreme lateness but I've been so swamped with well life and summer school and my despicable job that I've hardly had a second to breath. When I did, it was used towards a more productive way: sleep. I haven't even been on the internet, little less the computer in two weeks and even then it was just for three seconds to get some info I needed. By the by, to lazy to update livejournal. Nahh! ---- Sound of my brain right now). Good night.


	15. Neurotic, me? Nah

A/N: I haven't been able to bring myself to write much for a while now. I've actually written more than a dozen drafts for this chapter and it just seemed to always come out…wrong. Hopefully this will reach your expectations; I'm sorry for the LONG wait and without further ado: the latest chapter. ENJOY!

* * *

**Stuck in my Crawl**  
by Josie E.

* * *

**Entry Number Fifteen:** Neurotic, me? Nah. 

September 21st 1978

7:23 pm- Dorm Room!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Journal,

Finally, after painstakingly enduring a mini break in the infernos of hell, I AM FREE!!!! I'M FREE!!!! That's right, no more stupid hospital wing for me.

Forget the disgusting kelp stuff I still refuse to believe was medicine and the torturous week spent on a stupid hospital bed… even if I was asleep half the time. No more shall I have to endure hospital robes. No more nurse, no more flickering lights, NO MORE…well just no more anything.

I can go spend time at the library; I can take a nap in the common room…ahhh, the common room. So much noise and best of all: People!

I don't have to look at four white walls and endure absolute silence. It was scary; I could actually hear myself think! But not in here, oh no! I can go back to ignoring my little voice of reason. HURAH!

Well…maybe for another hour or so.

I can now do anything I wish. I can run around naked with a watermelon on my head, screaming at the top of my lungs: DUNGBEATLES! if it pleases me.

Not that I would.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

What the hell? Why do people keep stealing from me? I was sure I had 10 pounds left and now it's gone! My roommates are responsible! I know it. Who else but them knew where I hid my money? I was going to treat myself to that awesome new Doors shirt I saw last time I went to Hogsmeade. Do you know how impossible it is to find something of that caliber in a place like this?

Why me? Why is it always me? I have the worst luck in the verse!

Revelation: MY LIFE SUCKS DINKY ROYAL BUTT!

Face it, the gods themselves hate me. Why else would they curse me thus with clumsiness, horrible luck, gangliness, me-ness and a million and one horrible things which I cannot face to write, all of which seem to stick to me like the black plague.

I need chocolate.

* * *

**8:00 pm-** Library 

BLOODY HELL! I completely forgot about my prefect duties! I have to spend my evenings patrolling the halls with Potter once more. My life went from not so bad, to absolutely horrible in less than half an hour.

**Top 5 Things that Annoy Me:**

**5-** People who blink a lot. What's up with that? They can't even stare at you for more than 3 seconds without blinking as if someone were trying to force their eyes open with clamps. I don't trust them. Dry contacts my ass!

**4-** Homework. We endure hours of mindless droning and get repaid in extra work that needs to be done during our spare time. That's it, I'm boycotting homework. No more shall I be a slave to knowledge. I will roam the earth with nothing but my mind. And clothes.

**3-** Bad singers/bands that have fans! They suck! Whatever happened to eardrums? Probably got pierced by the horrible-ness that is the music they endure. I must pity them with their bad taste in music, for never shall they be able to listen to the melodic sounds that is Led Zeppelin. Nah, I think I'll just laugh at them. Fools.

**2-** Alice's cat. Actually that should be stabbing-ex-best-friend Alice's cat. He's just too strange for me to handle. He stares at me while I change and is always trying to stab my breast with his abnormally sharp claws. Plus I think I may have caught him trying to steal my undergarments once.

**1-** People in general. They're all sooooooooooo annoying.

Hum, I came to the library for a reason but cannot seem to remember. Last thing I do remember was going on a holy quest for the ultimate chocolate grail. Or was it getting a book for potion class. The latter would make more sense seeing as I'm currently standing in the library.

Then again, the sadness that came with the knowledge of my poorness could have sent me on a food scourging of some sort.

But what the hell am I doing in the library then?

Oh! Lookie! It's Remus. Still just as hot out of the hospital wing as when I…was…out. Wah? I'm not making any coherent sense. Must still have some weird side affects left over that are surfacing do to overload of Remus hotness.

Maybe I'll go talk to him.

**Evans.**

* * *

**End of Entry Fifteen**

verse: character in the next chapter will be named after who ever can guess what movie that's from.

Hint 3: Verse means Universe

Hint 2: It was formally a show.

Hint 1: The director is awesome. Lol, good luck.

Okay, not fair, one more hint: one of his cult following shows had vampires. This one Space Pirates, if you want to call them so.

There is also a second movie insert in this update. My ultimate favourite movie. Who ever can guess the movie in which the main character's eyes are clamped open, gets a special surprise.

Hint 3: A '' marks the spot of the excerpt

Hint 2: It's a movie from 1971

Hint 1: BEST DIRECTOR IN THE WORLD!

A/N: In other news, am very sorry for lack in updates. It seems fanfiction has made some new updates since the last time I was here. Swanky, will definitely be checking into that. Am terribly sorry. Life SUCKS!


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